so, summer is done, classes have started, and so i am back at the journal. (yeah?) what really is on my heart right now is a topic that i struggle with personally, and since i struggle with it, some how in my human nature i get more critical of others on it, though i wish i didn't. it's the human in me saying it's ok since they do it. the justification factor. i am talking about living for God's glory or your own glory.

before i start what i share is not to give glory to myself, but to show personal and poor struggles i went through that have helped me get to the point where i feel i can share them to help others with this area to some degree. the reason i am using these examples are that they are true and personal which makes me feel like they have a greater impact. from these examples i was seeking praise from others, not God and have received my reward already, which is much less than what God wanted me to have.

back some years ago i was a freshmen wanting to serve so people would say how great i am. shallow, but i thought it would be good since it was serving others and "praising God" it was justified to have attention drawn to me. i eventually wound up serving the rock at set-up and slowly moved to being head of the sound team. when my friend ben morris left i was the sound team. i tried recruiting others, but not overly since i loved the attention i was getting; however that doesn't mean i wasn't satisfied. i remember so clearly the jealous rage that boiled in me as people were getting recognized for their help they did. lights, ambience, food, the band, speakers, set-up and tear down crew, and my little self behind the sound table did not get mentioned. the sound team, me, did not get recognized for helping. the reason you could here the person speak, the reason you could here the band. part of me wanted to hit the mute button right there and have them remember me, but i didn't. (i remember it clearly enough that the speaker was on channel 3). it was clear i was seeking glory and praise from man not from God.

"When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." ~Matthew 6:16-18

i remember another time i was so into self praise a good friend and brother of the name of cliff approached me. i had given easter eggs to anyone in the rock who lived in the dorms a few easter eggs and a Bible verse that seemed appropriate for the time. he agreed that it was nice to give the verse and the candy to encourage people, but really how i went around telling people that it was a gift from me was out of line. which looking back is kind of funny. i would sneak around at 1-2am when everyone was asleep so they wouldn't see me, but then i went and told them. i had the verse in mind, but didn't trust God would reward me. (i did this one for two years after he approached me, i was a really slow, i mean really slow learner, and was approached by three other people during that time, but i really remember what cliff said to me, sorry to the other three, it is a little more hazy)

"I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." ~Ecclesiastes 2:10-11

two more stories, i hope you can keep reading along...

another time a life group i was in decided to encourage people on our team with verses. after the first time i felt alone in this process. the first week i humbly kept silent delivering these verse cards hoping they, my life group, would realize they needed to help after the verses they got. well the second week i did the same. the third week i tried to softly rebuke them by complaining and being frustrated with their lack of help. well, after a quick calm down they had no idea and thought i was happy to keep silently giving the verses on my own; thinking they were letting me enjoy this and they weren't interfering to make me feel better. so i continued to do the verses. then one day a gentlemen named ben at a prayer meeting was talking about how much he enjoyed these verse cards and how they seemed relevant. i jumped on the opportunity to inform him i was the silent verse giver in front of the whole team just so each one could thank me. my heart did take delight in all my work and it ended up being meaningless. now sure, the verses were good for them, they could have been encouraged, and a lot of good probably did come from them, but my reward was short changed by my selfish ambition to praise myself over giving God the glory that he deserved. not me. really, they are his verses i get to share, i didn't come up with him, though i acted like i did.

"But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction." ~1 Timothy 6:8-9

the last story is two part. really, one, but i wanted you to see where the heart was wounded before and where it was coming from.

the wounding happened in high school sophomore year. i made student council. the winners were to celebrate and i just got a caddy tip of a whole twenty dollars. man i was king of the world and i wasn't going to let anyone else pay. i flaunted the twenty dollars around and in the end a teacher who became a mentor for the rest of my high school days paid for the pizza. he was not the richest under paid public school arts teacher, but had a good heart and trusted God would provide when he needed it. through the next years he tried to teach me about being generous, but not try to make everyone around me think i am, in short, a jerk. well, i learned to be generous, so i am told, but didn't quite get the grasps of not putting myself at the head table to be humiliated when cast down to a lower table in front of everyone. so this leads to another sophomore year (college) when i lived with dan.

our room had the works, three tvs, two refrigerators, two tvs, two couches, video games, maybe a study area, the dorm had a sweet den... point taken. i remember dan talking to me about sharing and not flaunting my money. it was a silly little video game i don't own anymore even. we were sitting around playing and having fun and to some degree, i don't remember how bad, i said the fun we were having with the game is because i paid for it. it was hard for me to give up a controller and let others have a turn because i paid for it. which most people learn at a young age, i was really slow, after so long of just watching someone else having the fun, you are bored and frustrated quick. that is how i was acting, and not a quick rebuke changed me immediately, but it helped keep people around in future times to be friends.

i still struggle with this a lot of different days. i have a lot more stories, but i hope you got the point. there have been things i have done in secret for the glory of God and those rewards i am still feeling to this day. it is worth it and i know he will reward me more later. making your life a drink offering for Christ does seem weird to those who have not seen the glory of God, but it is not a waste of your life.

so i was watching the secret of nimh the other day for my study break. yeah, great movie. trust me, i am going some where with this...

we are like jenner. yes, an evil rat who wants to stay in the thorn bush and steal for a living. that is our flesh, it is the easy way of doing things. nicodemus, besides having a sweet name, said something that really caught my attention on why they could not live in their comfort they have been. "we know too much." he is saying that they are conscious of their sin, they know they have a greater purpose, and they want to change. as christians, we need to have this mind set. we do know too much. we know how to have life, we know that Jesus died for our sins, we know we are suppose to GO and make disciples of all the nations, we know we are suppose to put our foolishness behind us, we are to do works of the father and do it to please him, not other humans. we have a purpose outside of ourselves. we have a purpose outside of our comfort. almost all our fears stem from love of self over love of others, and all of our fears of others comes from a love of ourselves over love of God and love for others. yes. all.

if we are scared to tell the truth to someone because of what they might think, we are loving ourselves more than them. if someone angers us and we tell them off in an angry way, or blow them off, it is because they hurt me, i deserve _______ and then justify our righteousness. we know too much, and to live in this way is to be like jenner. greedy to the point of killing nicodemus in hopes of getting his way. when we are selfish, when we feel we deserve something, we are killing someone. there are times for all emotions, but make sure they are righteous and good, not self willed.

the last part of being selfless is really to a point, are we trusting God? i want to serve, but i need money, therefore i will work instead of going out to share. i wish to have a quiet time with the Lord, but i kind of want my cereal first because i am hungry. i want to pray for someone because i am too scared to do God's work. once again, not saying any of this is wrong, but if we are not trusting in God, for me, it is easy to say i am off to do God's will to avoid God's will or talking to others. it is so easy to say, "i need to pray first" to avoid talking with someone. God says be right with your brother first before coming to my alter. yeah, you may need to pray to be in the right heart, but be careful you are not saying it, make sure you are doing it. i, so often, will use God as an excuse because i do not trust God. i will, so often, take matters in my own hands because i am impatient. and it all stems from love of self, over love of God and others.

this is what is on my mind:

"For 'everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.' But how are they to call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, 'How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!'" ~Romans 10:13-16

"And Jesus came and said to them, 'All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.'" ~Matthew 28:18-20

"See that no one repays anyone evil or evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." ~1 Thessalonians 5:16-22

"We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, 'I love God,' and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not ween. And this commandment we have from him; whoever loves God mus also love his brother." ~1 John 4:19-21

"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasent, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." ~12:11

"For freedom Christ has set us free, stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." ~5:1

"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Give no offense to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God, just as I try to please everyone in everything I do , not seeking my own advantage, but that of many, that they may be saved." ~1 Corinthians 10:31-33

"And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." ~Matthew 6:16-18

Love, teply

so to start i read a sweet verse that i know i have read many times, but for some sweet reason it struck me with undying awe. "So too at the present time there is a remnant, chosen by grace. But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace." ~romans 11:5-6 yeah, that whole thing with grace no longer being grace. wow. anyways...

today was an interesting day, i will spare many details however one of the topics talked about was self worth. something i am bad with, in the sense of feeling i am worth something. i'm sure all of us, at times, will talk ourself down or talk badly about ourself. i'm bad at this, but we can not do that if we are to say God is good (all the time). if we are made in God's image, if we say God makes all things good, then who are we, as children of God, to say that we are awful? yes, we all have problems, we all have sinned, we are not perfect, but as children of God, if we do not love ourselves, we do not love God.

so i was going to write on things i am learning and getting out of the Bible and all those good things; however i decided i needed to talk a little on grammar and post some poems so people know a little on how my mind works. the main thing you need to know with english that most "intelligent" people don't realize is grammar matters not in the sense that they think it does. structure of sentence can arbitrarily be set if you know proper grammar follows little rules. meaning this: understanding comes before normality. easy example being yoda speaks in perfect english, it sounds weird because teachers have decided to try to standardize something that has little rules. the trick is making sure they understand you. if you are talking about needing your kneaded biscuits plain, while flying in a plane, yeah that is confusing because of homophones. if two people decided to read what you wrote about ewe and they couldn't decipher it too, there would be a problem that should be marked in red. other homophones that have trouble are times when people know enough and you misspell something (not saying misspellings are always wrong, only when they then can't understand you). for example: a cobbler likes to mend souls, or a cobbler likes to mend soles. the end of this little rant for now; so here are some poems so you can try to understand how my mind works (these are also poems i felt safer to post :-P):

My life has visited Sheol and cried,
For loved ones are gone for eternity,
And Abaddon is where i now reside,
Tormented with love that can never be;
Pain, cursed, and besieged is how i must breathe,
i can only wish a hopeless daydream,
But really i may only weep and grieve,
It seems that love cannot be on my team;
Why must i cry my soul to sleep each night?
Why must i be scared with feelings i hate?
Is love something out of reach, out of sight?
My life is to be tattered and abate;
i’ve come tired of this dreary demise,
i weep and mourn, oh God, please make me rise.



i cry alone in the darkness of night,
And i shiver at thoughts of knowing love,
i am the one who knows loves only fright,
And i am the one who fights all above;
Pain and sorrow know no bounds within me,
My soul is tortured by others embroil,
Wallowing in pain and all misery,
My life has been forsaken, doomed to foil;
So why, oh why should be i tortured so,
i see no glory in this useless pain,
i see not how my life is a fresco,
Is my heart to be crushed, my cries in vain?
In time shall i ever see the days sun?
Or will it always be night on the run?

there are only so many weeks in a school year, and there are so few left. how to do we stay on fire, how to do we keep racing hard and not coast? for me this time of year is very easy to coast and to get over emotional and let everything blow out of proportion.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones." ~Proverbs 3:5-8

how can we show each other we love each other? how can we share the love God gives us with others? right now i am being convicted on so many things, and these convictions are making me get up at not sit idle any more. if God calls us why should we run? remember God chooses to use the week and the ones who people don't think would be good for the task... gideon, moses, david, me, you...

so God is good all the time. remind yourself of that again. good. it is something i have to constantly remind myself of, that his timing is not my timing, that his way is not always my way, and he is good and does things for my good. it is so easy to forget that.

over spring break a team of us joined up with a team from lincoln to go to el paso. i had a nice color coded calender to say what we were doing all the time. we didn't follow it at all. in fact, if you asked me before i left if i would be going to a bar on a sunday night to learn how to break dance and pop to minister to people with a guy i met doing surveys i would have laughed. that was day one. over the whole break there were nine people to come to know the Lord and over twenty to hear the gospel. we served at an orphanage in mexico on monday while doing out reach, surveys, and prayer throughout the rest of the week. so many prayers were answered for the trip, both prayers before and during the trip, and some are still being answered.

with all of this it is easy to forget and easy to get upset with God when things don't go the way we plan. that is why it is good to remember what God has done so when things are tough it is easier to cling to God than to run.

so this is more of a post of me throwing up what is going on in my life and how God is amazing through it all. as hard as it is to see, God is good... all the time.

i am going through a lot of weird struggles, sorry for the vagueness but i think you will manage, and stressing out, therefore, over little things. my normal emails of twenty questions (plus) a day have almost ceased. yes, i still get phone calls with questions, but those have gone down some too. people i have been praying to step up in leadership are trying, they may be a little shaky since it is new to them, but i believe they are doing a good, Godly way of leading out, and are really convicting me on how i lead.

one of the things i was starting to stress out a little while ago was the mission trip to el paso/juarez, which i am excited to do for spring break, on how are we going to get there, and how will we be able to make it affordable for all the people going from ames. well someone offered us to take their van at no cost, a very generous act. so then the money. a couple of us tried to donate plasma, we did get some money, but problems aroused where we couldn't donate that much. we tried a bake sale for two weeks, and yet the first week was canceled based on weather conditions. that did not stop the bake sale the second week. people donated a lot of money giving us close to $200. other people have donated money as well putting our cost very close to the $100 per person for the ten days that i had been praying for. God is good... all the time.

even though i am going through a lot of difficult times, God is showing me he is doing this for his good, and in turn for my good, as long as i am willing to be trained and disciplined. what i am going through now does seem painful, but what God has done so recently in my life it is so easy to cling to his promise of good. at the same time, it is very easy for my flesh to say he will not do it again. i guess the point is, cling to God, pray with out ceasing, stay away from idols, and God will bless you more than you can believe.

so i have been giving thought to leadership and discipleship, along with a lot of things God is testing in my heart and life. all good stuff, but i don't need to get into details. to sum up God is good... all the time. anyways:

what does it mean to be a leader, or even to aspire to be a leader? the simple cop out answer is always, depends what you are leading. however, the general answer is are you leading them to God, or just in the wilderness? what are you calling people to, and when you call them, are they following? i believe you do need a certain level of maturity to lead someone else's life, for if you can not lead your own life at all, how can you lead someone else's?

are you slow to speak, slow to anger, but quick to listen? one thing with this is, can you wait in silence, or does someone always need to be talking. sure, there are awkward silences, but to some people they need a moment to think and if we are quick to speak, they will not have time to listen to God. how are our actions? are we above reproach? if we clearly live a life that leads to death, how can we lead someone to life. are we others oriented? is this a selfish thing, or not? these are a few key examples, that i myself fail at daily, but that doesn't mean i can't still strive to be better.

just because no one has called you out on something, you think you have these qualities, you have taken your issues to God makes you a leader. i myself am a master at deceiving myself, saying i have taken my things to God and giving myself a self-righteous title taking the Lord's name in vein.

discipleship falls under this leadership idea as well. before you can disciple someone two main things have to be in your life. 1. being disciples of God, growing closer to him DAILY in word, prayer, and actions. 2. being disciples of someone else, and not being to big headed to listen to their advice. if you do not have those, i don't believe you can disciple someone effectively for God. to disciple, will they follow your instruction. do they see you as a little more mature, you don't have to be all knowing, just a little more mature. do they have a soft heart to learn. do you have a soft heart to learn from them as well, and if they learn something from God not be too proud to admit you may be wrong, did not know that, or admit they may have grown passed what you can teach them.

a huge thing with discipleship is not just have someone do what you do. it is training them to be more effective for God than you. you should disciple with the prayer that they will reach the world better than you can alone. if you are not willing to put yourself last, then you will disciple in a way that could hinder their growth because you are too proud to let them grow; however, those reading this don't think you have surpassed the person disciplining you and you do not need their wisdom or the wisdom is invalid. you need to submit to your discipler and put yourself last as well. if you can not be humble enough to listen to ones advice and take it in, you can't disciple someone else.

i myself am not perfect at this. i struggle a lot with many things. i may not be right on all of these things as well... i will end with a saying nate told me, and i believe someone else told him. don't teach the sailor how to build a boat, teach him how to love the sea.

"A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them. Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they did not have much soil, and immediately the sprang up, since they had no depth of soil, but when the sun rose they were scorched. And since they had no root, they withered away. Other seeds fell among the thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them. Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. He who has ears, let him hear."
(~Mathew 13:3-9)

the two questions i asked myself when i read this are: who am i, and where am i sowing? to me, i know i am not the seed that fell along the path, for i have accepted Christ. but, can i be the one that fell on rocky ground, or fell in thee thorns? if i am, can i move to good soil, or rather have good soil put on me like a good farmer would do so that i can take root. if i am in the thorns, can i, am i willing, to remove the thorns. the problem with those are as this: the one on rocky ground needs to be covered in the word and truth so it can be rooted down and grow, the one with thorns needs to remove the evil that is holding them back. this is how i see me, i need to remove my worldly things, my thorns, so that i may grow and not be choked. it hurts to remove thorns, but it hurts more to walk with one that keeps rubbing on you. it hurts to pull off a band-ade so one can heal, but if one does not the wound will not breathe and not heal.

where am i sharing the truth? do i share it with the wall that does not listen but reflects the sound back? do i share it with the sloth that does not wish to move? i am not saying it is bad to share the truth with these people, for everyone needs Christ, but our time is limited. do we think we are foolish enough that we can save. if we could not save ourselves, how are we to save others. let God lead us to where we shall share his truth. and share it with many, for those who sow plenty will reap plenty. are you sowing with only a few, no wonder you do not see much fruit? are you sowing so big of a field you can not reap and are spread to thin. even a farmer will not plant more than he can tend and harvest, lest he let the weeds take over and he needs to burn all the crop at the end of the year.

those are a few thoughts i am wrestling with now. until next time, God bless.

so today we will talk about suffering, in respects to the book of Job. go us. on a serious note, i have been going through and earnestly been trying to figure out how long Job suffered. plain and simple, the Bible doesn't tell us how long. you do know it takes weeks before his friends can talk to him and in chapter seven it talks about his months of suffering, but they don't say if those month's were up to this point, just at that point, the whole book... yeah, you don't know. i then tried to quantify God mathEmatically, yeah i am a fool, by seeing that in the end God blesses Job with double what he started, aka two fold. so my math skills were: if God takes x long to give you ten fold how long is two fold. yeah, foolish thoughts, but i was obsessed with knowing how long Job suffered. so the question is, why aren't we told?

we are human and we want to compare ourselves. Job suffered for three months and went through all that, surely mine is as much suffering therefore i don't have to suffer for more than a month. Job suffered for four months, i now have suffered for five months, therefore i am allowed to go do it my way and be right. see how this works. yeah, it is not God's way, it is selfish and decEIving, but it is how our, well at least my, mind works. i put in this much suffering so i get this much hope and this much blessing that comes in this form is not how God works. really, God doesn't work to our human standards, he works to his own Holy and good standards, aka God standards. God does give us instruction on how to act during suffering.

For we know this, suffering produces hope. if you never suffered you would have no reason to put your hope in something. that could mean even waiting. waiting in line for a sweet water slide on a hot summers day, you put a lot of hope that it will cool you down and be a lot of fun going down that slide. you break an arm, you put a lot of hope into the cast that it will heal your arm back so it won't be in pain and you can use it again. we also know that in all things we should rejoice. makes sense with the later thing. man, i'm suffering, God is great he died so i will someday be in his presence and know not of suffering. on some scale, our suffering reminds us of our hope we have in the Lord. with out that hope we really have no reason to rejoice. everything else really is fleeting.

i think that will be all my thoughts for now. share your thoughts too. suffering is fun. builds us up, disciplines us, teaches us, gets us to know God better...

so i was praying and thought i should post this thought. why isn't there a chapter in the Bible called "teply" where i could turn to it, read it, and know what i am to do my whole life. (fill in teply with your name to make it more relevant here). my answer... we are impatient people. if we read ahead and found out what we were suppose to do in three days, we would try to rush ahead and get it all done; or i am suppose to marry her, rush and do it before time; or find out my profession and forget all other fields to study; or where i am suppose to live, skip moving around and go to where i am suppose to be eventually; or...

God also let's us choose our destinations. he can also persuade us to the best possible thing for us as well, but in the end it is our choice. kind of like coming to know him, we can choose to believe and put our trust in Jesus, or run from the truth. that is all for now. back to prayer and sleep.

so it is cold out. also, friends don't let friends cut bagles at around midnight. i had to rush a friend to the hospital cause he cut himself trying to cut a bagle. yeah, the good part is i got to spend a lot of time in the word, the bad part is it is really cold at 3:15am...

in case you didn't know, psalms are amazing. seriously, sit in a waiting room reading the Bible, i recommend psalms. they really hit how you feel, at least for me. it is also good to be out of the room sometimes when you are up all night praying to God. i mean, being in the same place makes you feel like it is a practice drill after so long. sorry if i sound loopy writing this. it is also good to meet people at the hospital since they aren't frantically busy... they are working, but have time to talk. well for me, i'm back to praying and reading the Bible. Good night, well morning when you read this, yall.

i do believe in one God, a God who is companionate and loving; yet as i look at my life, now, it feels as though he has raised his right hand against me. The control i had has left, the protection and shields i have tried to create have been torn down by the trumpets of the priests; the pride i have had has been devoured by the lion who has stalked and waited to devour its pray. It seems God has no place for me to speak, no reason to listen to me; he has readied his bow and arrow, and from his quiver he strikes me with an arrow that seems to only cause pain and suffering.

Still, one can only turn to God and praise him, for all he does is good; however with human concepts you cannot believe this. From these chains i wish to be broken, and yet my running is only binding me tighter to passion and not letting me rest in the arms of the Lord. What more can i give, what more do i need? i came into this world as dust, yet to this world i seem to cling; not from what my spirit wishes, but from what my flesh desires. How can i serve God with my heart, when it is fleeing from my body? How do i ensnare something i can’t control, for it is doing the will i despise?

Lord i cry to you, i cry so hard and loud and so long, i forget to listen to your voice. i am too busy complaining to allow you to move and act in my heart. i have not quieted and stilled my soul, i have not sat at your feet, only ran screaming. Forgive me, O Lord, for what i have done is not pleasant to your eyes. My sins are great and deep, yet through that you loved me so; as far enough to send your son to die for me. Take my life, protect it, and do with it as you will.

so every so often i like to ask a question. one of those times would be now...

what do you do when things get hard, you plead with God, but it still makes your blood boil inside? aka, God, please take this away, and it is still there...

so to start, i don't know why i am so restless and anxious. i have guesses, however, i do not like getting so little sleep, and when i wake up aching. this aside, it leaves one with time to think.

i have been giving much thought on what it means to be a Christian. what the Bible has to say with it, not whoever i pull off the street has to say, since it will get many answers, some right, some wrong, some mix as well. that isn't really what i have been thinking the most about. what is our purpose for those who claim to be a Christian? in not so many words... everything you don't want it to be.

i want to play video games; teply you need to pray. i want to go share the Gospel; teply sit at my feet. fine, i want to sit at your feet; teply don't come to my alter until you are right with your brother. this person wronged me, i'm allowed to be angry; teply forgive as i have forgiven you. i want to rest; teply i will provide you with rest, you need to go right now instead. i want to check my email; teply, there is someone down the hall you need to talk to now. i'm hungry; teply, don't you get it, i will provide, seek me first and you don't need to worry. i think my way will be good; teply, no, that isn't the best for you. God you aren't listening to me; teply, you aren't patient, i will provide. i need to pay off this debt; that is good, but you need to give a little first. i want to write verses for people; that is good, do it to honor me, not yourself. i want to go play video games and ping-pong some more; teply, pray without ceasing. God that is too much work; my yoke is easy, you are stressing yourself out.

then i go off and do the over-zealous, no one else is so i will attitude. really, if i am saying yes to everything, i don't have time to say yes to God. And when God says yes, i shouldn't spend hours and weeks in agonizing prayer over it. which, is really a neat thought, however risky for me at times. i can so convince myself God has spoken, that i do stuff my own selfish way and it bites me in the rear when it fails. when God speaks move, when i speak... wait for God.

sorry to rant so much, but this is on my mind, and i can't sleep. i think the struggle throughout this, that we struggle with, is flesh verses spirit. i wants, verses i shoulds. i cans, but shouldn'ts. listen to God, not our self. keep away from idols.

so before i start my blog post my brother and i were in the car listening to the radio. we heard an add for 1-800-bar-tend. no, we did not call. the ad advertized that 95% of the graduates end up behind bars. think about it. it is funny. also the day before, we went shopping in atlanta and the road going to the mall was "cash back bonus blvd." yes. i did indeed take a picture to prove this fact. also i now want to see "Pan's Labyrinth" which is currently in theaters. it isn't within 50 miles of ames or milwaukee though.

anyways, with the new year coming up one looks back at what they have done. maybe not everone does that, but it is something i do constantly, and i do even more so now. not saying it is best to live in the past, but it is good to learn from trials and be disciplined from them. for me, it is more exciting to see how others have grown. i will not give names, or they may hit me or something, but it is more than encouraging to see how people i have met to people i have known for some time have grown closer to God.

i know this is a short post, but take time to thank people that have encouraged you, helped you grow... take time to share with people how you have seen them grow. God bless.

looking back over the year i have had some million dollar ideas, so my Christmas present is saying them, so someone can make the million dollars (i don't know if others have come up with the ideas, i don't research, i just speak)...

1. Orange Juice with Caffine: did you ever wake up needing vitamin c and are addicted to caffine? has there been a time you woke up in a rush and had time to drink one drink, and couldn't decide between healthy or something to perk you up, why not orange juice with caffine.

2. Cellphone with Lighter Feature: ever on the phone and need to light up a cigarette? where the antena is on the phone, why not have a lighter? you will be the hit at all your parties, and if you smoke, you will never need to ask someone for a lighter as long as you have your cell phone, and if you lose your lighter, you can always call to find out where it is.

3. Santa Tea Set: Complete from roudolph tea kettle (handel is the tail and the water comes out the red nose) to a sugar bowl snowman, santa milk/creamer (milk is kept in his sack where toys are and can be poured out from there), snow sled bisket/cookie tray, and candy cane spoons. classic for any christmas time cheer

4. Present Planner and Check list: send people your christmas wish list through email, or have them view online with our easy click and go service. like a wedding register or baby shower register, people will know exactly what you want, and where to buy it. infact, they can click buy online, type in a message for a card and it will be shipped wrapped in beautiful paper with a personalized card. with the online my account service you can type in who you need to buy presents for, and if they are registered you can easily see their list with a click, and when you buy a nice checkmark will be by their name, letting you know you have been generous and kind to all your friends and family.


sorry if this blog wasn't the super serious Bible intensive blog i normaly do, but i thought it would be fun to share some great, and cheesy million dollar ideas. (note i had more, but they really weren't that good). and more importantly to all...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

so with recent travels, and with the travels i am soon to make i hope this stays true, i have really seen the beauty of some of this world. one of the greatest things i saw was a light snow covering a forest from over a thousand feet above the earth. that is neat. it is hard not to sit there in awe. then traveling on ground, seeing farm lands, and hills, and trees up close is truly amazing. how could God not have created this for us to enjoy?

anyways, something that has been on my heart to talk about is forgiving. it's been on my heart for some time, it just kind of rubs the flesh a little, and is hard to talk about when you yourself are bad at doing it some times (well a lot of the times). something peter eide says and you respond to, and it goes both ways, is "the Lord is good" response "all the time" or "all the time" response "the Lord is good." keep that in mind, if God is good all the time, that means when he forgave our sins that is good. he forgave them all. so, if we want to do good we forgive everyone of their sins that they did against us. be imitators of God... God forgave, so should we. it doesn't matter if we want to, forgive, just as God forgave you.

here is a clue on how God forgave you: he casts them over the ship into the sea, never to be found again. notice how it doesn't say he tied it to a fishing pole so he could reel it in whenever he wanted to hold it against you. that wouldn't be forgiveness. so when you forgive, you don't hold it against them... ever. seriously. ever.

another clue: he died for your sins. now that doesn't mean, turn around and go die for everyone in the same way he did. go die to yourself and serve the one who has wronged you. give your enemies food when they are hungry, give them water when they are thirsty, give them your clothes from your back when they are cold. some of us, including me, reading this goes, "woah, i choose physical death over some of that." remember, God loved you, there fore you should love.

last note, note as related, but still neat. we are to be imitators of God and we were made out of the image of God. God created the earth, the animals, plants, and so forth. we to then are designed to create. whether that be music, art, singing, math equations, web sites... and what he created was good and pleasing to God. so go forth and create, create things that glorify God and in turn what you create will be good.

Merry Christmas.

so with what has been going on, and still going on in my life is humbling. the stories i hear from others sobering. God's love, astonishing. the more i grow up, the more i learn, the harder it is to keep being a child, and yet when i see others who are older, or said to be more mature, or said to have a great future, and see them act like a child it is hard for me not to sit and weep. by no means am i saying i am mature and not childish, but i see and hear people return over and over, saying they want to change, but unwilling.

then i have lost people i am close to, i hear stories of others who just lost people that they were close to and i grieve with them. people like erika schwager who were taken at a young age that meant so many to people i know, it hurts me, for like the ones i was close to and loved, they have lost just the same. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort." ~2 Corinthians 1:3-7